Sunday, June 22, 2008

Cats and pills

Tommy, as a kitten, helping in the office

As talked about on my cooking blog here is how to give a cat a pill. I’m sure all you cat owners out there will really relate to this. If memory serves, I think I snaffled this from the BBC but I no longer have the link, so my apologies to the originator.

How to give a cat a pill...

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set to one side to repair later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


Jan said...

LOL Jan at how to give a cat a pill! So funny.
I have tried before to leave a comment on your blog before but for some reason it doesn't work - all is looking good at the moment - so fingers crossed here I go!

Raquel said...

Poor, poor kittie! Have you tried disguising the pill in a small bit of raw hamburger? Never worked for me, but you might give it a shot!

Janet said...

Jan, thanks for popping in. Sorry you've had problems leaving comments, I've no idea why, just some blogger glitch I suppose.

Raquel, I have tried disguising the pills before, it's never worked for me either. The cats always seem to smell a rat. :-)

Eve said...

This is so funny. I have three cats, one loves to fight with the neighbor cat and lives on antibiotics. I can identify. Although last time, he was very good. He did that just to confuse me. One loves to eat so I can usually fool her. The other one, God I pray, never gets hurt and needs a pill. He is the little cat from Hell and will no doubt rip me apart if I even indicate that I am his boss. LOL